The Adventures of a Chair, Chapter I

The Adventures of a Chair

Chapter I

The War between the Kingdom of the Chair and the Kingdom of the Egg

The chair sits. How does a chair sit? A chair sits on a chair. Specifically, its chair. More specifically, itself. The chair sits, when it does not move.

The chair looks at the clock made of stone. It indicates where its soldier is. It is called a clock, because its hands indicate the soldier's coordinates in the 180x180 sqaures two-dimensional map. The chair can see its movement, slowly, towards north, heading for the fort.

Each square of the map indicates 10 meters. The chair can see its soldier move from X=38 and Y=56 to X=39 Y=66, to the entrance of the fort. The big hand slowly moves its way through 56 to 66, moving around the first third of the clock. Halfway there, at round-about Y=63, the small hand moves to 39. Finally, the big hand reaches 66. The soldier has arrived at the fort, like the chair ordered him. He is now safe from the invaders. The soldier is in the chair's kingdom. The enemy kingdom is ruled by an egg from a far, far place from the world.

The chair now looks at the wooden clock. That one indicates time in this section of the world: It is 'hog'. Time here ranges from wog to tog: wog, nog, fog, log, mog, sog, rog, solomin, kog, hog, jog, saog, paog, laog, tog. These are the 15 hours of the world. 'Hog' in theory translates to 'between 4:00 and 5:35 PM'. But, in this part of the Object World, a day is divided in two days and two nights, all equally divided: firstly comes the day, with wog, nog, fog and 3 thirds of log, then comes the blue night, with a blue moon, 1 quarter log, mog, sog, rog, and half of solomin, then comes the other day, with the other half of solomin, kog, hog, jog, and a quarter of saog, then comes the red night, with the red moon, with the remaining three quarter of saog, paog, laog, and, finally, tog. So, in reality, for our world, it is between 8:00 and 11:10 PM. The wooden clock has only one hand, which moves to the other hour each time the one before ends.

The chair needs to go to work when jog starts. But, for now, it needs to send orders in its kingdom. It slowly moves towards the staircase, then takes a turn to the left. This room is dimly lit by a low-power light bulb hanging from the middle of the ceiling. The room has one large window , covered by thick curtains, and one large square table in the center. The table is separated vertically and horizontally by 179 lines, creating a 180x180 grid. On it can be seen very tiny grass, two forts, forests and some wild animals. The chiar moves towards one of the forts and sees soldiers all ready for battle. The chair concentrates its mind on the grid and sends out a group of hunters in search for some boars to kill in the nearby forest. But, as they walk around the forest, they see people moving. Knowing there shouldn't be any of their fort's soldiers outside, they realise they are enemy soldiers. They get out their guns ad shout. The enemy soldiers put their hands up and the hunters get them to the fort. Then the chair witnesses a horrifying dreadful event. The King goes to the soldiers and cuts them in half. Then he roasts them in front of everybody, to show what happens to their enemies. Then everybody feasts, eating human flesh. The chair looks in complete shock at its army, then decides to send it full power towards the enemies. An attack is planned. He decides to track the king on the stone clock.

The chair returns to its place and watches the stone clock move its big hand from Y=68 to Y=66, then its small hand from X=39 to X=33, then the big hand from Y=66 to Y=70. Now, the king and his army have left the castle and are heading towards their enemies.

The wooden clock's arm moves, reaching for jog. The chair needs to go to work. It moves, slowly moving its legs on the floor, until it reaches the staircase. It turns around and falls on its back, dragging itself on the staircase. When it arrives upstairs, it turns back around and continues towards its bedroom. On the bedroom's floor sits its uniform. It falls on its back on it and then gets back up. The chair is now dressed. To climb down, the chair presses against the wall and slowly falls.

The chair gets out on the street, then falls on its back on the door, thus locking it. Only it can unlock it back. It could have used public transport, but It gets on roller skates and goes towards his work place.

The chair navigates the streets until it reaches a large, 17-floor office building. It enters the building, then the elevator. Inside sit many more chairs. The elevator is pretty big, specifically a 2.10mx3.36m rectangle. Chairs cannot talk, so the elevator slowly climbs each floor, stopping for 10 seconds, then takes 5 seconds to reach the second floor; when it reaches the top floor, it goes back down. There are two elevators in the building. When one is climbing down, the other one is climbing up. They meet each other every 4 minutes at floor 8.

In 50 seconds the elevator reaches the fourth floor: the chair's stop. It leaves the elevator and heads for its desk. It reaches and desk and sits. It starts connecting its mind to the computer and starts work. As it works, it looks to its right, where a little square wooden table sits. The chair connects its mind to the table and an 8x8 grid pops up. On it are a person with a crown and a bunch of soldiers: the army. The chair moves through the 180x180 map with the 8x8 view to see how far the army has gone. The battle is afoot.

The chair needs to go to the toilet. It slowly crawls towards the bathroom door, and leans back onto the lock to open it. The door is found surprisingly hard to open and then...

Soda starts pouring out like crazy, onto the chair and keeps flowing through the fourth floor of the 17-floor building. The soda is covering the chair entirely and its vision starts to slowly blur, as things turn brown. The soda keeps pouring and the chair cannot breath, nor move. Everything darkens in front of the chair's eyes and darkness starts surrounding it...